I learned at a young age not to need people because it causes us to be weak. It gives us vulnerability

But I need him. I need him. I need him. I need him. I need him.

Mind wanderings from the past few days....




"the swallows in that birdhouse are making love while we whisper
while you tangle your fingers into my hair, close to my scalp

the messy webs from the branches
are stuck to your lashes
and i don't tell you because you're a hundred years old

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a butterfly on my brow,
a black bird's wing to my right and a serpent to my left
collectibles, they are to me
so I don't feel so lon el y

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walking in circles,
having one way-conversations,
is what i've caught myself doing time and time again
i think i'm being selfish
and you'd laugh at what i have to say
but these things, you should know, need to be said
things like "i love you" and "i hate her"
things like..

"why'd you bring me into this?" and "it's not fair to me"

but

your fingers go to places they shouldn't
while i talk about things that shouldn't need to be said..
and those lips on my thighs is a topic that you've just brought up
and your hands grasping at my top is the next
and next it's your teeth with the skin of my teet
until next it's "only you, babe"

yes.. "only me"


and sometimes her .

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death is a lullaby that i sing myself to sleep with.

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laying in your warm spot in bed..
it's not like the comfort of my own.
smells different, feels different
it's not home."

I will be around a lot less.

I find myself in an unexpected position.
My brothers and I moved out with my mama last night. We're between homes, but we have somewhere to stay and at least we've all been able to stay together.



I love adventures and we're definitely experiencing new things right now!



I love everyone.

Umm... Don't really know how to say this so, I'll just say it.

I broke up with Andrew.

After six months of getting to know eachother online as friends, and then a year of being an online couple.. and then 9 months of living together.. and me leaving New Zealand (for immigration reasons) and trying to keep it together for another 4/5 months, I finally just decided that it wasn't right.

And it took him ten days to realize that I wasn't gonna go back to him and that we weren't right. And then he tells me that I'm a slut.. that I'm a whore.. ?
How cliche of him.

I had my fidelity issues. I never once had sex with anyone else, so I feel misjudged. And it totally hurts. But whatever...

I want to continue a relationship with him. He's been my best friend for the past 2 years and I don't want to lose that.

In other news, my parents are on the verge of seperation. Haven't told them about Andrew and I yet. Haven't really told anyone. Just a handful of very close friends.

My mom's third cancer scare turned out to be negative! So, that's a huge relief for her.
And hopefully I will be starting school in Flagstaff as a Biology major in Spring. I hope I can make it!